I am

I am truth
I am nothing that you want
I am neither black nor white
I am the grey
The unsure line
Between right and wrong
I will torture you

I am love
I am everything you think you need
But I am not beautiful
I am harsh and unmerciful
I leave no survivors
I am only beautiful
To those who want to see beauty

I am want
I am everything you long for
But do not posses
I am everything you wish you had
But don’t
Because if you did
I would not exist
You cannot exist
Unless there is something you can’t have

I am truth
I am love
I am want
I am me

so i broke up with my boyfriend friday night. he was just so... annoying? no thats not the word. i dont know how to describe it. like it ddint even feel like he was my boyfriend. he lives out in yipsalanti so i like never saw him because he works every friday saturday and sunday, and it was impossible to spend any time with him. oh! and the one day that we both had off work last week he completely blew me off. and it wasnt even an honest blow off. he lied to my face saying that he had to spend time with his mom. yeah, ok, which is why his best friend called me that night and said that he and scott (my boyfriend) had gone to the gym and out to eat. is anyone here with me in saying WHAT THE FUCK?!?! i mean seriously, i wouldnt have told him that he couldnt hang out with his friends, i have no problem with that, but dont use your depressed mother as an excuse not to see me. and another thing, i had no way of getting a hold of him. he doesnt have a cell phone, and he lives in three different houses. which he is almost never at ever and when i call i feel like a retard because theyre liek "um he hasnt been here in a week". seriously, hes like a squatter, he jsut lives wherever. basically i had to sit around and wait for him to call me all the time, which is not my style at all. im not one of those girls who sits by the phone all day, waiting for a boy to call. fuck that, if he doesnt call, he doesnt call, im going out. additional reasoning: he was such a fucking tight wad it was unbelieveable. every time we went out to eat, and i mean every single time, i had to pay for my half and leave the tip. see, i have no problem with paying for myself except for the fact that HE asked ME on the date. isnt it typical that the ASKER pays for the ASKEE on a date? i thought so. but whatever, i could deal with that. what i couldnt deal with is that every time he came to see me, i had to fill up his gas tank. so by the end of a day with him i was out at least $20 (if we didnt go out anywhere) and he was out $0. a little unfair eh? thats what i thought. so i finally got the balls to break up with him and he seemed suprised. like completely shocked. ERG. dumbasses bother me. but yeah, im single again and i almost enjoy it a little too much... haha. whatever. thats my rant of the day

Contract

Creative Writing Contract

I will:

-Write every day, allowing Mr. Walsh to watch me write

- comply with the 80% attendance rule

- share work through a blog

- Fill a portfolio with hard copies of my work

- Be graded accrodingly: 60% Volume

20% Quality

20% Discretionary

- pick my own topics

- write in my own style

- have the chance to earn extra credit

true colors thing

okay so i think this whole true colors thing is borderline ridiculous. its basically telling us that we have to be defined. why should i submit myself to be conformed into a preorderd group? it seems like its just another clique that we have to belong to. my brightest color is apparently orange. does that mean im going to be lynched by the green people?? its another venue for discrimination among people. ok, maybe im overreacting, but still.... why is it necessary to define ourselves? are we really that insecure that we have to take surveys and quizzes to tell us what we are? its a lot of bullshit if you ask me. which, i know you didnt, but whatever. this thing also says that my palest color is blue. blue is supposed to be the color of compassion and sympathy and love, but because i dont like to be touched and i am not sappy and over-dramatic, i dont belong in that category. that kind of irks me because i am a very compassionate and sympathetic person. i write and i think im a decent writer, but im not one of those people who go on and on about love and whats in my heart. thats not really my style, and because of that im not blue. in my relationships, i value more of a physical connection rather than an emotional one, which apparently makes me cynical. but whatever. i dont need a lamenated colorful peice of paper to tell me who i am. fuck my color. my name is erin and thats all anyone should need.

30 minutes of nonsense

ok so the assignment is to write for 30 minutes nonstop about whatever i so choose. which is basically nothing at all.

so i was thinking the other day, which seems to be a new and often occurance, which is odd considering i used to be one of those people who were like completely blank in the head, ya know? well anyways i was thinking about how life seems to be so complicated lately and i was thinking about why that is. i mean, do you ever feel like the world is trying to tell you something? and its not that you cant hear it, its that your not listening. what if the world isnt so complicated. what if things are the way they are because we make them that way and if we could all just slow down for a little bit things could get simpler? its all just nonsense. none of this craziness is necessary. maybe if we just stopped all the nonsense for just one fucking minute we would see how truly trivial anything we think now really is. but i wonder if it could be that way. if there really was some nonsensical euphoric freedomland that we could all create just by listening a little more closely.

or maybe im completely wrong. maybe things are the way they are because they just are and this nonsense actually makes sense, but were all just too busy looking for a magical easy way out to realize it. this is the world and the way it is and thats that. why cant we just accept that fact rather than try to change it by assuming that something will save us in the end? and im totally aware that i have just contradicted myself completely, but thats beside the point. the world we live in is fucked up and scary but its the only world we have so why not just live? just fucking live and let live. maybe... maybe life is just life and you roll with the punches and push through the roughness and just live.

i dont know



okay so you know how sometimes it feels like your watching someone live your life rather than actually living it? like your just going through the motions, or dreaming or something?

well, due to excessive time spent watching contemplative movies such as waking life and scanner darkly, i have developed a theory:

first of all, you know how sometimes when you fall asleep or like take a nap or something, and you feel like you are having this really long, intricate dream where it feels like years have passed and you wake up and its only been like five minutes? well it is said that after you die, your brain is still functioning for 6-12 minutes. After everything else shuts down, your brain is still working. well i was thinking, what if we are already dead? what if this life were experiencing right now is really just us in our 6-12 minute subconcious state after death? maybe this is just a long rambling dream of what our life was or should have been or even not our lives at all but a figment of our imaginations.

so i think i became incoherent right after "i have developed a theory". But isnt that the point??? why should i be coherent or make sense or any of that? i have no desire to be typical. i enjoy thinking outside the box and sometimes saying things that are ridiculous. i think theres a rambling idiot inside of all of us and maybe we should let it out sometimes. i feel much more at ease with myself that way. granted, i can only write such things, i cant actually voice them, which i suppose would be the truly admirable thing to do. so maybe im a bit of a hypocrit. but isnt everyone?

so if you actually finished reading this without punching yourself in the head repeatedly i congratulate you. maybe next blog ill talk about more substantial issues such as boyfriends and hair products. or perhaps my inability to drive....