musings of a "mature" teenager

so i had a slight epiphany today. though blatantly obvious, i realized today, that we are all so young. think about it: we are all like 17-18 and we know nothing. we act like we're wise and mature, but we're not. seriously, how many of you believe that you are a grown up and you are so different from all of the other highschool assholes? the truth is, you're not. essentially, we are all the same. we all believe that we are smarter or more mature or know more than the next person, when really we are all in the same place. true, we have been through a lot, some of us more than others, but that doesn't add up to shit. we are still so naiive and unprepared for life. god, we must look so ridiculous and stupid to our parents and everyone that age. we walk around stubbornly, role playing what we think it is to be grown up, but we're not grown ups everyone. we're just kids. we think we're these hardcore badasses who are too cool for school, but why? we don't know anything about life or being responsible. we're still babies everyone. like i said, an obvious conclusion on my part, but nonetheless, i feel i need to put it out there because im just so sick of everyone thinking that they're better than the next person because he/she believes they're more sophisticated. we're all babies. seniors, you're taking your first steps into the real world and you're all about to discover how life really works, but don't get fooled into thinking you know everything. you're still kids too. remember that next year when you're in college, talking about how lame highschool kids are. you, just like us highschool younguns, still have a lot to learn. i don't think anyone is truly a grown up until they're old and grey.

everyone has a best friend. Without one, we are lost. But what happens when your best friend forgets to be your best friend? I love him, i really do. I've known him since the day i was born. we grew up next door to eachother...until he moved away. we talk on the phone every night... and we go out to lunch every week. But lately it seems he doesnt care. he only partakes in the conversation when it relates to him. he interrupts me in the middle of a sentence to talk about himself. i dont talk bout myself a lot, but occassionaly i do, and on those occassions, i want him to listen. is that unreasonable? when im struggling, i need his opinion, his advice, and he doesnt share that with me anymore. he seems to be so wrapped up in himself that i just dont even matter anymore. and it hurts me because i just cant function without a best friend. and yes, ive tried to tell him all this, but he doesnt listen. its like he zones out when talk. he's jsut waiting for his turn to speak.


He hears what he wants to hear
and misses the words in between
He only sees what he wants to see
and I never seem to be seen
He tells me what he thinks I want to hear
he doesn’t believe his own voice
He acts as if I force him to care
as if he doesn’t have a choice
He doesn’t seem to even notice my words
if they don’t concern his love for himself
Anything else I have to say
Gets tucked away on the back of a shelf
It’s slightly upsetting and almost absurd
that he is my very best friend
I almost don’t trust him to care about me
because its all about him in the end
Maybe I’m selfish or falsely concerned
about his lack of compassion
Maybe he just doesn’t realize
that sometimes I need his attention
I listen to him carefully and try to understand
as I wait patiently for my turn
All I ask is that he does the same
and listen to me in return
There’s more than one person in any friendship
which he doesn’t seem to see
Its always about his problems, his life
but it can never be about me

who knows

there was a letter in the mailbox
in a crisp white envelope
that said it was from your father
it must be a joke
you havent heard from him in years
just open it
see what he wants
you read that letter fast
almost at lightning speed
and when you were done you wore a goofy smile
well?
he wanted you to come to california
visit him and his new wife sophie
just for a couple of weeks
you packed your bags and hopped on a plane
so eager to see him again
i can only imagine how excited you felt
just to look at him in person
its been 7 years
since he moved to california
that must have been great
when you came home the next month
you can only imagine
how excited i felt
just to touch you again
its been 3 weeks
since you left for california
that was a hard 3 weeks
but your back now
you say you have big news
he asked you to live with him
move down to california
and live with him and his new wife sophie
start over and be a family
you looked so excited
so i pretended to be happy for you
but you could see i was dying inside
imagining my life without you
it took you almost a year to decide
whether you wanted to live here or there
him or me
you looked lost that year
and actually a little sad
but i dont know how you look now
are you happy?
hows california?

it aint all its cracked up to be

there are days when i hate how my life is going and i just wish that i could be Barbie. She's so perfect and her life is just ... perfect. But then i realize, Barbie's life isnt all its cracked up to be.

Let's face it-- there are days where i hate my job and i just want to quit (you know you do too) and i feel like im overworked and underpaid. Well, look at Barbie, she holds like a billion different jobs and i've never seen a Barbie bank where she can go to get her paycheck! She's a doctor, a firefighter, a vet, a police officer, a ballerina, a gymnist, a nurse, a princess, a cashier, you name it. The sad part is she needs all these jobs. Think of all the bills she has to pay. The taxes on that dreamhouse must be a bitch. And she's got like seven cars. How else is she going to afford all that? and its not like Ken is helping. I don' t think Ken even has a job. He just mooches off of barbie's hard earned money.

Speaking of Ken, he's pretty much an all around jerk. He and barbie had a child together and he didn't even propose. He impregnates her and then refuses to marry her. He doesnt even babysit when barbie is at work. The least he could do would be to take care of the baby and little sister kelly, but nooooo, Skipper has to do that.

And she may have a perfect body and a beautiful face, but think of all the harrassment she must go through. Especially at the workplace. She can never go out to a bar, she'd be getting drunk guys falling all over her. Then maybe Ken would care...

And she does it all with a smile on her face... which is more than i can say.

randoms

I am 16 years old
I hate being a junior
The ACT is freaking me out
My mom is my best friend
And
My dad works too much
I have two brothers.
I only like one of them
I have three brothers if you include Nick
Which I do
I hate asparagus
But I love root beer barrels
I have a bad temperament
&& people think I’m mean
But I’m actually really nice
As long as I don’t hate you
…which I probably do
I have a shopping disorder
I spend too much…
… and save too little
Most of that money goes to shoes.
.And purses.
.And clothes.
.And movies.
.And music.
.And things that I already own
But have broken/lost.
I love movies. I like to pretend I’m in one.
Does that make me crazy?
Music is salvation.
I play guitar
At least I used to
I haven’t played in two years
No motivation
I love to cook
It calms me down
I hate running
It hurts my lungs
My favorite smell is my grandmother’s house in Redford
It smells like cookies and stale cigarettes

I love my family
I don’t care if they’re crazy
…which they are
I have the best friends anyone could ask for
&& I love them more than anything
I’m damaged goods
I think he broke me
But I’m working on it
I’d rather be fat and happy than skinny and hungry
But if I’m going to be sad either way…
I’d prefer to be skinny


I don’t cry.


I drink a lot.
Normally apple juice
I like grape juice too though
At least I’m not dehydrated
My favorite word is unique
It sounds pretty
And it suggests happiness




So that’s me…


… take it or leave it.

i dont know whats gotten into me. i've never been this girl; i've made an effort to never be this girl. i dont fall in love. i dont cry. now all of the sudden, i meet someone and all that changes? i have never in my life cried over a boy unless it was at his funeral. in fact, i hate girls who do cry over their boyfriends. i think its pathetic and weak. i think the concept of love in general is pathetic. i choose to avoid situations in which my heart is suceptible to being broken. why was this time different? its almost like i gave up on everything i've ever believed in for this one person, and as it turns out, he was the one person i should have protected myself from. i just dont think anyone should ever give someone else the power to break you heart. and i did. and now im finding it impossible to move on. i just wish it wasnt so hard y'know? i dont want to be a victim of "teenage heartbreak". i used to pride myself in being different from those pathetic little girls and now im one of them. i think that might be what bothers me the most; the fact that i feel like i betrayed myself.

but never again. i wont let it happen again. maybe its cynical, but i think of it more as protection.

The exception to the rule failed

I don’t put up walls for no reason
I don’t stay cynical just to please him
I do it purposely for times like this
When my heart breaks in two after only a kiss
I never cry over boys or ex-lovers
I never search for comfort in the arms of my mother

But just this once...

I tricked myself, I let him in
I thought that maybe he was different
But in time I began to see
That he just didn’t drink enough to love me
I just wish i knew why I wasn’t good enough…
Why don’t I deserve to be the girl he loves?

I am

I am truth
I am nothing that you want
I am neither black nor white
I am the grey
The unsure line
Between right and wrong
I will torture you

I am love
I am everything you think you need
But I am not beautiful
I am harsh and unmerciful
I leave no survivors
I am only beautiful
To those who want to see beauty

I am want
I am everything you long for
But do not posses
I am everything you wish you had
But don’t
Because if you did
I would not exist
You cannot exist
Unless there is something you can’t have

I am truth
I am love
I am want
I am me

so i broke up with my boyfriend friday night. he was just so... annoying? no thats not the word. i dont know how to describe it. like it ddint even feel like he was my boyfriend. he lives out in yipsalanti so i like never saw him because he works every friday saturday and sunday, and it was impossible to spend any time with him. oh! and the one day that we both had off work last week he completely blew me off. and it wasnt even an honest blow off. he lied to my face saying that he had to spend time with his mom. yeah, ok, which is why his best friend called me that night and said that he and scott (my boyfriend) had gone to the gym and out to eat. is anyone here with me in saying WHAT THE FUCK?!?! i mean seriously, i wouldnt have told him that he couldnt hang out with his friends, i have no problem with that, but dont use your depressed mother as an excuse not to see me. and another thing, i had no way of getting a hold of him. he doesnt have a cell phone, and he lives in three different houses. which he is almost never at ever and when i call i feel like a retard because theyre liek "um he hasnt been here in a week". seriously, hes like a squatter, he jsut lives wherever. basically i had to sit around and wait for him to call me all the time, which is not my style at all. im not one of those girls who sits by the phone all day, waiting for a boy to call. fuck that, if he doesnt call, he doesnt call, im going out. additional reasoning: he was such a fucking tight wad it was unbelieveable. every time we went out to eat, and i mean every single time, i had to pay for my half and leave the tip. see, i have no problem with paying for myself except for the fact that HE asked ME on the date. isnt it typical that the ASKER pays for the ASKEE on a date? i thought so. but whatever, i could deal with that. what i couldnt deal with is that every time he came to see me, i had to fill up his gas tank. so by the end of a day with him i was out at least $20 (if we didnt go out anywhere) and he was out $0. a little unfair eh? thats what i thought. so i finally got the balls to break up with him and he seemed suprised. like completely shocked. ERG. dumbasses bother me. but yeah, im single again and i almost enjoy it a little too much... haha. whatever. thats my rant of the day

Contract

Creative Writing Contract

I will:

-Write every day, allowing Mr. Walsh to watch me write

- comply with the 80% attendance rule

- share work through a blog

- Fill a portfolio with hard copies of my work

- Be graded accrodingly: 60% Volume

20% Quality

20% Discretionary

- pick my own topics

- write in my own style

- have the chance to earn extra credit

true colors thing

okay so i think this whole true colors thing is borderline ridiculous. its basically telling us that we have to be defined. why should i submit myself to be conformed into a preorderd group? it seems like its just another clique that we have to belong to. my brightest color is apparently orange. does that mean im going to be lynched by the green people?? its another venue for discrimination among people. ok, maybe im overreacting, but still.... why is it necessary to define ourselves? are we really that insecure that we have to take surveys and quizzes to tell us what we are? its a lot of bullshit if you ask me. which, i know you didnt, but whatever. this thing also says that my palest color is blue. blue is supposed to be the color of compassion and sympathy and love, but because i dont like to be touched and i am not sappy and over-dramatic, i dont belong in that category. that kind of irks me because i am a very compassionate and sympathetic person. i write and i think im a decent writer, but im not one of those people who go on and on about love and whats in my heart. thats not really my style, and because of that im not blue. in my relationships, i value more of a physical connection rather than an emotional one, which apparently makes me cynical. but whatever. i dont need a lamenated colorful peice of paper to tell me who i am. fuck my color. my name is erin and thats all anyone should need.

30 minutes of nonsense

ok so the assignment is to write for 30 minutes nonstop about whatever i so choose. which is basically nothing at all.

so i was thinking the other day, which seems to be a new and often occurance, which is odd considering i used to be one of those people who were like completely blank in the head, ya know? well anyways i was thinking about how life seems to be so complicated lately and i was thinking about why that is. i mean, do you ever feel like the world is trying to tell you something? and its not that you cant hear it, its that your not listening. what if the world isnt so complicated. what if things are the way they are because we make them that way and if we could all just slow down for a little bit things could get simpler? its all just nonsense. none of this craziness is necessary. maybe if we just stopped all the nonsense for just one fucking minute we would see how truly trivial anything we think now really is. but i wonder if it could be that way. if there really was some nonsensical euphoric freedomland that we could all create just by listening a little more closely.

or maybe im completely wrong. maybe things are the way they are because they just are and this nonsense actually makes sense, but were all just too busy looking for a magical easy way out to realize it. this is the world and the way it is and thats that. why cant we just accept that fact rather than try to change it by assuming that something will save us in the end? and im totally aware that i have just contradicted myself completely, but thats beside the point. the world we live in is fucked up and scary but its the only world we have so why not just live? just fucking live and let live. maybe... maybe life is just life and you roll with the punches and push through the roughness and just live.

i dont know



okay so you know how sometimes it feels like your watching someone live your life rather than actually living it? like your just going through the motions, or dreaming or something?

well, due to excessive time spent watching contemplative movies such as waking life and scanner darkly, i have developed a theory:

first of all, you know how sometimes when you fall asleep or like take a nap or something, and you feel like you are having this really long, intricate dream where it feels like years have passed and you wake up and its only been like five minutes? well it is said that after you die, your brain is still functioning for 6-12 minutes. After everything else shuts down, your brain is still working. well i was thinking, what if we are already dead? what if this life were experiencing right now is really just us in our 6-12 minute subconcious state after death? maybe this is just a long rambling dream of what our life was or should have been or even not our lives at all but a figment of our imaginations.

so i think i became incoherent right after "i have developed a theory". But isnt that the point??? why should i be coherent or make sense or any of that? i have no desire to be typical. i enjoy thinking outside the box and sometimes saying things that are ridiculous. i think theres a rambling idiot inside of all of us and maybe we should let it out sometimes. i feel much more at ease with myself that way. granted, i can only write such things, i cant actually voice them, which i suppose would be the truly admirable thing to do. so maybe im a bit of a hypocrit. but isnt everyone?

so if you actually finished reading this without punching yourself in the head repeatedly i congratulate you. maybe next blog ill talk about more substantial issues such as boyfriends and hair products. or perhaps my inability to drive....